I once asked someone, “Do you think at your young age, you’re ready to look for a long term commitment with someone?”
Honestly, I wanted his answer to be no. The reason being that my answer is yes. I didn’t want to say yes, so I wanted someone to reassure me that no could be an answer. I wanted to feel a sense of self-worth and self-sufficiency from not only myself but my peers. I wanted him to say no, because I thought maybe if someone thought no, that I could re-engineer my thoughts to being content with myself, free from strings or attachment. I wanted him to say no, to prove a point to myself.
But the truth is, I actually am already happy with most if not all the aspects of my life that I can control right now. Sure, I want to be financially independent and travelling the world and checking things off my bucket list and wishlists. Sure, I want to be a successful researcher or diagnostician or whatever my future holds. Those are the future, those are coming, and I have a feeling that I will get there.
I am happy with all but one. And that one is the sense of emptiness and loneliness when I go to sleep. The sense of a lack of excitement or anticipation waiting for a text reply. The feeling of wanting to talk to someone about everything, a free space. The lack of a general purpose. The cliche part of asking someone “What is your ideal partner like?” is getting “As long as I can be happy with them” as an answer. I want more than that, I want a sense of purpose, development, change.
I want to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I want to try things I have never tried. I want to take care of and be taken care of. I want something that transcends mere “being happy with them”. I don’t just want to be happy, I want to be inspired.
Moments like this are when I feel so raw and malleable. My rough edges waiting to be polished. My brash personality craving to be tame. Yet, my contentment wants to be challenged. My indifference wants to feel. I want to change. Moments like this are also when I feel I am rigid and stern. I think too highly of myself and my abilities at times that I am unwilling to let people see what’s inside.
I don’t like being treated as an option. All this time I’ve never been a priority. I want to be a priority.
Even my own mother told me that she feels like I am an emotionless robot, never really feeling an extended spectrum of emotions. I guess in a way she’s right. I’ve adapted to life without the feeling of being attached to emotion, rather a more systematic view to life. I want that to change. I want to be more than myself. I want to be a part of someone else. A long term commitment is more than just the ideal of cuddling by a cozy fireplace with a cup of hot cocoa, or taking cute vacation photos together (though I’d like that too, I’m not THAT much of a robot.)
I just didn’t want to believe all the things I just said, so I hoped for him to say no.
But, he said yes.