Lights

Lately I’ve had quite a lot on my mind. The end of my first semester is nigh, carrying alongside it are my finals. I’ve never been the kind of guy who spends hours and hours, days and nights, facing the books or my lecture notes. I like to enjoy my time freely, and then do last-minute cramming. But the odd thing is, I never really panic either.

Exams are only one of many things I think of. I spend transient moments thinking of space and time — the future. I think of love and friendship and life and everything else. And I’ve come to a point, where I am starting to believe I can feel happiness again.

The year had been quite an exciting journey this far, and I am grateful for many things, which I will save for a future ‘Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017’ kinda thing.

I’ve already thought of what I can do this Christmas to make it just that little bit more special and that little bit more memorable for my loved ones, my family, my friends, and my love. Now I’ve got to get started on it, amidst preparation for exams.

This blog had been a platform for expressing my dissatisfaction with many things. However, I haven’t been updating it as often. And the only reason is: I’m happy.

Irritated

It’s been awhile since I last posted, I do apologise for my extended leave of absence. I just haven’t had much to put into words. Throughout the past two weeks, my mind had been filled with floating transient thoughts that I felt belonged more appropriately on Twitter than a full-length passage.

Things have been… complicated to say the least. And here I am trying to figure out how to form words from the flashing images in my mind. Needless to say, it’s been a tiring time.

I realise that some people are rather inconsiderate about others, some people take others for granted, some people think they deserve the be treated with grace and dignity all the time; When in reality, the same people are the ones that come off as the typical douchebag or fuckboy. While I understand that we do not always use our built-in thought filters before speaking, some things just cross boundaries. I was already having a not-so smooth week and didn’t need the extra trigger to go ballistic.

Maybe it’s just me and my bad temper. The older I get, the worse my temper becomes. I’m just tired of dealing of negativity so often. I get irritated at the most minute of issues, and then overreact with remorse following soon after.

Or maybe it’s because there has been a lack of stability in my life and it’s starting to take its toll on me. I crave ever present company, I crave stability. I am looking for something to keep me grounded and anchor me to what is real.

Or, maybe I’m just an asshole.

PS: Also, I just really want a new phone. Maybe I’ll be less annoyed and less unhappy then.

Value

The past few days have been very surprising, if that description even suffices. Aside from my terrible food poisoning episode leading to a less than comfortable trip up to the frigid peak of Genting. I swear, for a foodie I have probably the weaker stomach. If you follow me on Twitter or been in contact with me over the weekend you probably already know how disgusting the ordeal had been.

Over the years, I’ve had rather surprising things said to me by a few people, and not even some of the best got me ‘shook’ like this one conversation that went a little like this:

“Is it worth it? If it is then okay”

“It’s not worth it at all, so I choose to abandon him and get you.”

Now don’t go about misinterpreting what the above conversation meant, I ain’t a homewrecker (lol). I think I’d keep the context confidential at this moment, but y’all who know know. The degree of how touched I was is probably immeasurable on my ’emotionless’ scale but I was literally at a loss of words. I haven’t felt valuable and much of worth to anybody on such an emotional extent for far too long. Thank you for making my night.

And in other not-so-new news, I feel extra dry these days. What with my friends finding solace in their partners and I’m just here… all by my lonesome self… in the university library… on a holiday evening. AND IT IS SO COLD HERE I AM FREEZE.

My tendency to get friendzoned is as high as the tendency I elicit some form of drama in my life and other people’s lives, and I have come to terms with the fact that I may not be boyfriend-material, but rather just friend-material because I am really objective about what I want and who I want to be. Like I said in my previous post, I just want to change.