Broken

This one is for those days, those happy moments.
This one is for you.

I realise I have made many mistakes in my life and I have not handled them all that well. But this time, I think I really fucked it up, didn’t I?

I did the thing I hate people doing the most: I ran away from my problems and I hurt an amazing person in the process because of my cowardice and my stupidity. Even if I wanted to fix things that I didn’t want to before, things will never be the same anymore.

You are the light in my life, the rain after a drought, the rose among the thorns. Now I am so confused, I am beating myself up over everything I said to you that was so hurtful and disgusting. I feel pity for you, for me, and for us because I know we could have achieved so much more. But yet I went and fucked it all up. If I could erase it and turn back time, I most probably would. Back to the times where we drove around talking about I don’t even know what, when we spent the night at the airport, when we got into trouble together, when we had our first kiss and all our countless little fights.

I really wanted you to fight for me, so that I could fight for you again. But you didn’t and you accepted it as it was, and so did I. That was the greatest mistake we both made.

But as time goes by, some things fade. The excitement wasn’t as thrilling anymore, distance grew and time ebbed. I suppose we choose to see what we want to see, and sometimes we end up choosing the wrong things.

I never once lied when I said I love you, and I never once lied when I promised that. But at the end, when I was reluctant to fix things, you did not reach out to me. And that broke me a little, that I was not worth fighting a little more for. That we were not fighting for each other anymore. I am a coward, trying to run away from my problems, and this has cost me gravely. So much so that I regret many things.

Perhaps we rushed into things at first; We burnt too bright too fast and we burned out just the same. We got lost in the passion of moments. I lost sight of what was important. It was many things, not just one argument that broke us. It was many little things, that I thought were negligible enough to keep to myself. But I was wrong.

All I ever wanted was to make you happy, and all I ever wanted was to feel happy with you. And I failed the both of us. Even if I wanted to, I can and will never ever forget anything you have done for me, said to me or experienced with me. That I can promise you, as a final promise: I will always cherish those days, those happy moments. And I hope that a part of me will always be with you, because a part of you already lives within me.

I miss you already, Kenneth.
I’m sorry.
I really am sorry.

-tears-

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Medicine

As much as people glorify the profession of medicine, it is still one of the most underrated fields out there. Special thanks to the accessibility of the internet, no doubt.

People have grown a sense of distrust towards doctors or medical personnel, based on the event a friend says “It’s probably nothing, the doctor didn’t run many tests or ask many questions” or the internet tells them that they are dying of cancer.

Wake up. The internet cannot diagnose a cancer for you. If you ask someone who is actually in the medical line, they’d do one of two things:

  1. Defend themselves; or
  2. Do the right thing and tell you that diagnosis is not a simple thing that people combine their ‘symptoms’, not knowing that if it even is a symptom
  3. BONUS: They could do (1) and (2) because 99% of the time they know better than you do, unless you’re a medical professional as well but then I wouldn’t need to tell you all this.

Parents are being overprotective of their children. Children are being overprotective of their parents. Friends, family, relatives, etc.

Be it wanting a prescription for a common bacterial flu in fear of it developing into something actually bad, or refusing vaccinations in fear of it developing into something actually bad. In either case, people are stupid to want unnecessary things and not want necessary things.

Patients complain about doctors being incompetent and that they take too long to diagnose or start treatment or actually treat the patient. It’s not that the patient doesn’t know why, it’s that the patient doesn’t want to know why. Putting the blame on people who are trying to save lives. Be it the doctor is a genius or just getting by, they all swore the Oath to protect and save lives. Patients are the ones getting in the way.

I think of all this because there are people dismissing and slandering doctors’ advice without actually knowing the science behind it. And I believe in rationalisation over emotion. Emotion is useless. Rationalising gets stuff done.

I’m not going to put up with snarky remarks on things you don’t bother with clarification. Save yourself if you don’t trust your doctors.

Roles

It’s tiring to support something on your own, one can actually burn out easily without the right support.

One of the things I disapprove of the most, is the implementation of roles in daily life.

I do not see the need for or significance of placing roles on everything and anything. Why are there things a man should do for a woman, just because of his gender? Why should there be a difference in responsibilities between equal partners? Why is there a need to say “You should do this because you are this” or “I should do that because I am that”?

I don’t like it when I hear people talking about said gender or status roles.

I have female friends telling me they don’t want to take the initiative in talking to a guy they are interested in because apparently “the guy is supposed to make the move”. I have gay friends telling me they don’t want to propose anything because apparently “that’s what the top should do”. I have comrades telling me they don’t need to put in the effort to complete another group mates part because apparently “that’s their responsibility”.

Like why do you have to put a responsibility that is easily shared on another person all the time? Did they choose to be the way they are? Do you think it’s the norm? Just because the other person doesn’t detest this thinking, because they are already geared in the way that as the man they have to pay for the meal, that as the dominant person they have to take care of the lesser one all the time. The worst part is that if they don’t pull through with what they are “supposed” to do, they get slandered, criticised, hated on, hated for.

As a decent person, do you think they enjoy being used because of who they are? Just because they don’t point it out like I do, do you think they agree to it? They might just be thinking it’s their sole responsibility to make all parties happy.

Little things matter; Little words carry weight.

I don’t like it when people talk like that, but I hate it when people try to implement such views onto me. If you think I should do something because I am a guy, a man, then you can leave. If you think I should do everything because I am a leader, then you can fuck off. If you think you are superior to me and have the position to tell me what I can or cannot, what I should or shouldn’t do, then demonstrate that worth to me.

Otherwise, change yourself and your mindset. I am not confined to doing what I want or don’t want to do just because of a single person’s desires. Just as I don’t believe in one-sided effort.

Put in effort. Take initiative. Ask how his/her day was. Invite him/her out. Ask if your group members need help. Tell them how you really feel. Be proud of yourself and of others. Be confident. Be brave. Step out of your comfort zone. These are the people I admire, not people who sit back and receive effort.

As equals, we walk side by side; not one in front of the other.