This one is for those days, those happy moments.
This one is for you.
I realise I have made many mistakes in my life and I have not handled them all that well. But this time, I think I really fucked it up, didn’t I?
I did the thing I hate people doing the most: I ran away from my problems and I hurt an amazing person in the process because of my cowardice and my stupidity. Even if I wanted to fix things that I didn’t want to before, things will never be the same anymore.
You are the light in my life, the rain after a drought, the rose among the thorns. Now I am so confused, I am beating myself up over everything I said to you that was so hurtful and disgusting. I feel pity for you, for me, and for us because I know we could have achieved so much more. But yet I went and fucked it all up. If I could erase it and turn back time, I most probably would. Back to the times where we drove around talking about I don’t even know what, when we spent the night at the airport, when we got into trouble together, when we had our first kiss and all our countless little fights.
I really wanted you to fight for me, so that I could fight for you again. But you didn’t and you accepted it as it was, and so did I. That was the greatest mistake we both made.
But as time goes by, some things fade. The excitement wasn’t as thrilling anymore, distance grew and time ebbed. I suppose we choose to see what we want to see, and sometimes we end up choosing the wrong things.
I never once lied when I said I love you, and I never once lied when I promised that. But at the end, when I was reluctant to fix things, you did not reach out to me. And that broke me a little, that I was not worth fighting a little more for. That we were not fighting for each other anymore. I am a coward, trying to run away from my problems, and this has cost me gravely. So much so that I regret many things.
Perhaps we rushed into things at first; We burnt too bright too fast and we burned out just the same. We got lost in the passion of moments. I lost sight of what was important. It was many things, not just one argument that broke us. It was many little things, that I thought were negligible enough to keep to myself. But I was wrong.
All I ever wanted was to make you happy, and all I ever wanted was to feel happy with you. And I failed the both of us. Even if I wanted to, I can and will never ever forget anything you have done for me, said to me or experienced with me. That I can promise you, as a final promise: I will always cherish those days, those happy moments. And I hope that a part of me will always be with you, because a part of you already lives within me.
I miss you already, Kenneth.
I really am sorry.