After countless times of soul-searching and wondering what my main problems are, I have realised that it’s effort, or the lack thereof.

I realise I have no qualms in putting in effort to help out others, or go on dates, or planning things, etc. I love taking the role of the person in-charge. But with every dominant person there comes a quieter side.

I tend to just go all out for whatever I do. Over the top sometimes, out of my reachability sometimes, “extra” sometimes. But I go the distance and I spend the time and I put in the effort to make things worth it. When my energy and enthusiasm is high, everything goes smoothly. But when things quiet down and I lay in bed at night thinking, I realise that everything should be a team effort. I mean, I don’t mind doing more of the work, but I do appreciate it when people give me input, or contribute, or try to make things easier for me.

Instead, I always get taken for granted.

I give so much, without even thinking that I want to receive at some point. And when the time comes, I don’t get anything in return. It’s not about “doing things expecting returns”, it’s about effort and appreciation.

Maybe that’s why projects I head start off really well and progress slows down over time. Maybe that’s why my relationships never worked out, because I don’t think of myself enough. Maybe that’s why I always condemning myself in the end, because it’s my fault. I need attention too, I need effort too, I need to be watered too. And I don’t realise it’s always the wrong person I’m watering for too long.

It’s not wrong to think of myself and put myself before another person, but I seem to care too much. It’s like me lighting a candle and trying to keep it alive in strong winds but I only have two hands to shield the flame. I can’t cover all sides.

Lesson: Being selfless isn’t all that it’s cut out to be.

The Morning After

Some nights,
Before you catch your breath,
And go to sleep,
You remember all that is broken,
All that is ruined,
Torn, and gone.

When the moon fades,
And the stars go into hiding,
So does the sadness,
So does the emptiness,
So does the loneliness.

The morning after,
When a new sun breaks.
New beginnings,
New days come.

And suddenly,
It isn’t so bad anymore.

— J.M. (2017)