After countless times of soul-searching and wondering what my main problems are, I have realised that it’s effort, or the lack thereof.
I realise I have no qualms in putting in effort to help out others, or go on dates, or planning things, etc. I love taking the role of the person in-charge. But with every dominant person there comes a quieter side.
I tend to just go all out for whatever I do. Over the top sometimes, out of my reachability sometimes, “extra” sometimes. But I go the distance and I spend the time and I put in the effort to make things worth it. When my energy and enthusiasm is high, everything goes smoothly. But when things quiet down and I lay in bed at night thinking, I realise that everything should be a team effort. I mean, I don’t mind doing more of the work, but I do appreciate it when people give me input, or contribute, or try to make things easier for me.
Instead, I always get taken for granted.
I give so much, without even thinking that I want to receive at some point. And when the time comes, I don’t get anything in return. It’s not about “doing things expecting returns”, it’s about effort and appreciation.
Maybe that’s why projects I head start off really well and progress slows down over time. Maybe that’s why my relationships never worked out, because I don’t think of myself enough. Maybe that’s why I always condemning myself in the end, because it’s my fault. I need attention too, I need effort too, I need to be watered too. And I don’t realise it’s always the wrong person I’m watering for too long.
It’s not wrong to think of myself and put myself before another person, but I seem to care too much. It’s like me lighting a candle and trying to keep it alive in strong winds but I only have two hands to shield the flame. I can’t cover all sides.
Lesson: Being selfless isn’t all that it’s cut out to be.