It Turns Out…

I am happy.

— B

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Reflections

I’ve been spending much more time checking myself out in the mirror, metaphorically I mean. The past week or so has been full of reflections and I realised more things than I actually needed to.

For one, I realised I have an inability to feel mental stress, and the sense of urgency that usually follows. It’s not that I don’t have stress; I acknowledge it and I know it’s there but I don’t feel it enough for it to affect me directly. Hence, my talent in procrastination and my indifference towards many things. Perhaps one of the only times I feel mental stress is when I have to talk to strangers or in front of strangers (but that really is a case-by-case basis as sometimes I have no qualms at all).

I realise how easy it is for me to switch off the ability to feel emotion at times. But also the total opposite, switching to a different emotion in an instant. It is honestly quite scary, and I’m not the only one scared. I get angry easily, but the anger never lasts. I get sad once in awhile, but the sadness lingers long. I laugh spontaneously, but go quiet right after. I get unbelievably serious about petty things, not because I am dramatic, but because those are the things that I am passionate about, or that I hold close to my heart. Yet, I can cast away things I’m completely over without hesitation, like how a rock sinks into the lake.

I also realised how easy and difficult it is to make-and-break relations with others. My university friends and I immediately clicked since the first week of class and we’ve never looked back. On the flip side, I am starting to feel disconnected with some people I used to think of as my really close companions. I understand that life gets in the way, and people mature differently and have their own personal agendas; But it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to ponder about it like this, as I worry for the same thing happening to my new friends.

Change is normal, healthy even. We all know the saying “The only thing that doesn’t change, is change itself.” Or something like that, maybe you’ve heard a different version.

I realised some of my talents awhile back, and I am still discovering new ones today. This is a good change, a growing change. I am more capable than I thought I was yesterday, and who knows what tomorrow will show me?

I realised that I cannot control everything in my life, and that’s okay. Just like what I always say about happiness being of less value without sadness, order is nothing without chaos. Life has been pretty chaotic these days, but I manage to pull through, drive home and get a good night’s sleep, albeit plagued by nightmares on some nights. Those nights and the mornings that come after, leave me in a state of disappointment bathed with cold sweat.

I realised that some things I’ve been told, or some things I’ve told myself are lies. Among them being I thought I could be happy on my own, but it turns out I’m just hanging on to a sliver of hope. I can be strong, successful, independent, intelligent and all that. But can I really be happy alone? Or do I need someone to make me happy? To show me what happiness means, the happiness that I cannot reach?

This is the question that has been haunting me,

“Do I make me happy?”

Polaroids

I take photos for more than just to fill my Instagram feed, but also to capture these instances worth remembering. It’s for those moments that I want to keep frozen in time, never changing but always felt differently. And when I look back at them down the road, I would feel like I had achieved something, that I have grown since.

Feelings rise and ebb,
Just like the sea hugs the shore;
Flames stir in the light breeze,
Breathing life into us and more.

I keep these li’l fractals on loop,
Not forgetting but never holding back;
A box of memories labeled with your name,
With hand-drawn faces on a Polaroid stack

— J.M. (2017)

Too Late

Some nights,
You find yourself losing sleep.
It’s like you can’t hear the quiet,
Only the voices of your demons.

Some nights,
You lay in bed, wide awake.
With a wetness in your eyes,
But dryness in your soul.

Some nights,
You just want to stay in the dark.
Too afraid of what was,
What is, and what could be.

Those nights,
You realise you’ve fucked up,
And it’s too late to fix things.
It’s just… too late.

— J.M. (2017)

Home

Before you,
A home is empty
Just a shelter
Rain or shine

Home,
Is where you can come back
And where you feel safe.

A home is more than
Just four walls and a roof
Built to keep in
Built to keep out

Home,
Is where you can be you;
Where you make it like you.

You feel like home.
I am at home.

— J.M. (2017)

Views

When the light begins to fade
Over the skyline bathed in gold
Fireflies come to life
Dancing in the concrete jungle

People come up here
Some to pray, some to sway
Some to bond, some to break
And some just for the view

But I don’t care for the view,
If you’re not in it.
Why? Because darling,
You are the view.

— J.M. (2017)