Too Soon

Is it too soon
To tell myself no
For walking down a haunted path
With ghosts creeping from the aftermath

Is it too soon
To tell myself yes
For choosing life over death
By stealing it from a stolen breath

Is it too soon
To tell myself to decide
To start counting my days one by one
To stay and fight for the long run

It is too soon
Isn’t it?

— J.M. (2017)

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Space

I: STARS

In the dark of night,
Beside my bed a flash of light,
That turned out to be a star,
One of many more.

The stars shone in the trees,
Dancing in between the leaves.
Forming constellations,
And predicting our future.

Darkness sank into the depths,
As the elusive stars dot the lake.
A head, a shoulder,
A breath, a sigh.

From jazz to dance,
A midsummer night’s​ romance,
We traversed the city on borrowed time,
Always afraid of losing to chance.

II: GALAXIES

On the great canvas gifted to you,
You painted the galaxies,
In all shades but blue.

And then we danced on its arms,
Always careful, never fearful
In knowing there will be no harm.

The loss of silver,
The shimmer of gold,
In there you’ll keep the stories I’ve told.

As the sun shines as a star,
And the stars make up a galaxy,
That is how you had always made me.

III: UNIVERSE

A spaceman floating in the void,
Alone with no spirit,
He looks around and what he sees
Is a sea of darkness with no end

The spaceman thinks this is the end,
But remembers right before the attempt,
That the universe is not so empty,
But filled with all the stars and galaxies.

Then he sees it all at once,
The tiny sparks of light
Flickering all the way up, down,
And too, all around.

He sees the stars,
The ones he saw from home.
He sees the galaxies,
The ones he’d always dreamt.

Then he remembers,
That he’s not alone.
This universe may be big,
But love is bigger.

IV: INFINITY

I can live, without any regret,
And be eternally grateful to whom I’ve met.
For what you have given me;
A past, a present, a future.

An entire lifetime,
From birth to death
We had no time,
Yet we had all of time.

What you thought in months,
I thought as eternity.
Between one and the other,
Is just infinity.

— J.M. (2017)

Reflections

I’ve been spending much more time checking myself out in the mirror, metaphorically I mean. The past week or so has been full of reflections and I realised more things than I actually needed to.

For one, I realised I have an inability to feel mental stress, and the sense of urgency that usually follows. It’s not that I don’t have stress; I acknowledge it and I know it’s there but I don’t feel it enough for it to affect me directly. Hence, my talent in procrastination and my indifference towards many things. Perhaps one of the only times I feel mental stress is when I have to talk to strangers or in front of strangers (but that really is a case-by-case basis as sometimes I have no qualms at all).

I realise how easy it is for me to switch off the ability to feel emotion at times. But also the total opposite, switching to a different emotion in an instant. It is honestly quite scary, and I’m not the only one scared. I get angry easily, but the anger never lasts. I get sad once in awhile, but the sadness lingers long. I laugh spontaneously, but go quiet right after. I get unbelievably serious about petty things, not because I am dramatic, but because those are the things that I am passionate about, or that I hold close to my heart. Yet, I can cast away things I’m completely over without hesitation, like how a rock sinks into the lake.

I also realised how easy and difficult it is to make-and-break relations with others. My university friends and I immediately clicked since the first week of class and we’ve never looked back. On the flip side, I am starting to feel disconnected with some people I used to think of as my really close companions. I understand that life gets in the way, and people mature differently and have their own personal agendas; But it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to ponder about it like this, as I worry for the same thing happening to my new friends.

Change is normal, healthy even. We all know the saying “The only thing that doesn’t change, is change itself.” Or something like that, maybe you’ve heard a different version.

I realised some of my talents awhile back, and I am still discovering new ones today. This is a good change, a growing change. I am more capable than I thought I was yesterday, and who knows what tomorrow will show me?

I realised that I cannot control everything in my life, and that’s okay. Just like what I always say about happiness being of less value without sadness, order is nothing without chaos. Life has been pretty chaotic these days, but I manage to pull through, drive home and get a good night’s sleep, albeit plagued by nightmares on some nights. Those nights and the mornings that come after, leave me in a state of disappointment bathed with cold sweat.

I realised that some things I’ve been told, or some things I’ve told myself are lies. Among them being I thought I could be happy on my own, but it turns out I’m just hanging on to a sliver of hope. I can be strong, successful, independent, intelligent and all that. But can I really be happy alone? Or do I need someone to make me happy? To show me what happiness means, the happiness that I cannot reach?

This is the question that has been haunting me,

“Do I make me happy?”

Polaroids

I take photos for more than just to fill my Instagram feed, but also to capture these instances worth remembering. It’s for those moments that I want to keep frozen in time, never changing but always felt differently. And when I look back at them down the road, I would feel like I had achieved something, that I have grown since.

Feelings rise and ebb,
Just like the sea hugs the shore;
Flames stir in the light breeze,
Breathing life into us and more.

I keep these li’l fractals on loop,
Not forgetting but never holding back;
A box of memories labeled with your name,
With hand-drawn faces on a Polaroid stack

— J.M. (2017)

Fire

As a kid, I used to be mesmerised by the water. How flexible and fluid and adaptable water can be. It takes on any shape and form, and can transform from liquids to solids and gases. It was the personification of change, yet retaining an aura of elegance about it.

I used to think my personality element was water — quick to adapt, aloof, carefree — but then I grow up and realised my fascination with water, was because it was the polar opposite of my inner self: Fire

Fire, the element of passion and anger and love and so much more, defines me better than water does. I am hot-headed. I get into arguments and I don’t like losing. I am passionate in whatever I do and whatever I pursue. I am brilliant in mind, thoughts and ideas sparking at even the oddest of times. Fire, is not a constant element. Like water, it can change and can adapt. When you thought the wind would blow it out, it just grows stronger and hotter. It is the element of resilience. “Keep the fire going, one day it will lift you up,” I thought to myself while watching them inflate hot air balloons two weekends ago.

It’s not all good though. Nothing is ever perfect, right? Fire is also a force of destruction. It both creates and destroys. Perhaps that is why in various mythological theories gods wield fire as celestial weapons or sources of energy, or why in the Bible it’s said that God’s language was delivered by tongues of fire, and the list goes on. It is a source of power.

I am fire, and my companion shall be water. Different yet essential for life. Maybe that’s why I am so fascinated and mystified by the water and why I keep coming back to it.

Mind over Heart

It’s both funny and confusing; How I am losing my mind, yet feeling my old self again.

I find myself mulling over the petty things, as I always do. But this time I don’t let any of it bother me or the activities I do anymore. When I am involved in an event, performance or any activity in my life, I have conditioned myself to be detached from heart and emotion, relying solely on rationale and mind. To me, emotion clouds judgment, leading to inefficiency. I am not sympathetic, but that doesn’t mean I’m cruel. 

It’s one of the things I pride myself on: Being heartless and emotionless.

It does leave me at the end of the day, but I don’t mind. It takes my mind off things, and occupies my time instead of being petty. At the end of the day when my feelings come back, I think to myself, whatever that happened and whoever that you hurt, a good end product/progress justifies it. Mind over matter. When it comes to work, my principal is the process doesn’t matter as much as what the result is.

People who are involved with me, please take note that when I mean business, I don’t play monkey. I trust you enough, don’t waste my time.