a throwback to my boyfriend’s birthday:

The smell of your cologne
Or the morning on your breath
The scent of the unknown
And the air behind your path
Is this what heaven smells like?

The taste of your lips
And of when we wine and dine
The sensation on my tongue
When yours touches mine
Is this what heaven tastes like?

The look on your face
It makes my heart stop
It’s so surreal, how wondrous you are
Yet so real my dream can pop
Is this what heaven looks like?

The warmth of your hand
When it locks in mine
The pain that feels so good
Makes me know everything is fine
Is this what heaven feels like?

Today you turn twenty-one
And I wish you all the joy
You made me know heaven
And I wish you’d know too, boy

β€” J.M.Β πŸ’•(2018)


Choose Your Hero

You painted me a twilight sky
Of shades of gold and candlelight
Then my senses came alive

In unknowing how lost I was
You looked in shining armour,
A knight clad in silver and gold

All the voices in my head
They told me, “Choose your hero”
“How?” I asked back, “I do not know”

They said a hero is one who saves me
In mind, in body, in spirit and in love
A sign of peace, a white dove

I nodded once, and once again
“Now, choose your hero.”
And in this moment, I choose you.

β€” J.M. (2018)

Too Soon

Is it too soon
To tell myself no
For walking down a haunted path
With ghosts creeping from the aftermath

Is it too soon
To tell myself yes
For choosing life over death
By stealing it from a stolen breath

Is it too soon
To tell myself to decide
To start counting my days one by one
To stay and fight for the long run

It is too soon
Isn’t it?

β€” J.M. (2017)



In the dark of night,
Beside my bed a flash of light,
That turned out to be a star,
One of many more.

The stars shone in the trees,
Dancing in between the leaves.
Forming constellations,
And predicting our future.

Darkness sank into the depths,
As the elusive stars dot the lake.
A head, a shoulder,
A breath, a sigh.

From jazz to dance,
A midsummer night’s​ romance,
We traversed the city on borrowed time,
Always afraid of losing to chance.


On the great canvas gifted to you,
You painted the galaxies,
In all shades but blue.

And then we danced on its arms,
Always careful, never fearful
In knowing there will be no harm.

The loss of silver,
The shimmer of gold,
In there you’ll keep the stories I’ve told.

As the sun shines as a star,
And the stars make up a galaxy,
That is how you had always made me.


A spaceman floating in the void,
Alone with no spirit,
He looks around and what he sees
Is a sea of darkness with no end

The spaceman thinks this is the end,
But remembers right before the attempt,
That the universe is not so empty,
But filled with all the stars and galaxies.

Then he sees it all at once,
The tiny sparks of light
Flickering all the way up, down,
And too, all around.

He sees the stars,
The ones he saw from home.
He sees the galaxies,
The ones he’d always dreamt.

Then he remembers,
That he’s not alone.
This universe may be big,
But love is bigger.


I can live, without any regret,
And be eternally grateful to whom I’ve met.
For what you have given me;
A past, a present, a future.

An entire lifetime,
From birth to death
We had no time,
Yet we had all of time.

What you thought in months,
I thought as eternity.
Between one and the other,
Is just infinity.

β€” J.M. (2017)


I’ve been spending much more time checking myself out in the mirror, metaphorically I mean. The past week or so has been full of reflections and I realised more things than I actually needed to.

For one, I realised I have an inability to feel mental stress, and the sense of urgency that usually follows. It’s not that I don’t have stress; I acknowledge it and I know it’s there but I don’t feel it enough for it to affect me directly. Hence, my talent in procrastination and my indifference towards many things. Perhaps one of the only times I feel mental stress is when I have to talk to strangers or in front of strangers (but that really is a case-by-case basis as sometimes I have no qualms at all).

I realise how easy it is for me to switch off the ability to feel emotion at times. But also the total opposite, switching toΒ a different emotion in an instant. It is honestly quite scary, and I’m not the only one scared. I get angry easily, but the anger never lasts. I get sad once in awhile, but the sadness lingers long. I laugh spontaneously, but go quiet right after. I get unbelievably serious about petty things, not because I am dramatic, but because those are the things that I am passionate about, or that I hold close to my heart. Yet, I can cast away things I’m completely over without hesitation, like how a rock sinks into the lake.

I also realised how easy and difficult it is to make-and-break relations with others. My university friends and I immediately clicked since the first week of class and we’ve never looked back. On the flip side, I am starting to feel disconnected with some people I used to think of as my really close companions. I understand that life gets in the way, and people mature differently and have their own personal agendas; But it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to ponder about it like this, as I worry for the same thing happening to my new friends.

Change is normal, healthy even. We all know the saying “The only thing that doesn’t change, is change itself.” Or something like that, maybe you’ve heard a different version.

I realised some of my talents awhile back, and I am still discovering new ones today. This is a good change, a growing change. I am more capable than I thought I was yesterday, and who knows what tomorrow will show me?

I realised that I cannot control everything in my life, and that’s okay. Just like what I always say about happiness being of less value without sadness, order is nothing without chaos. Life has been pretty chaotic these days, but I manage to pull through, drive home and get a good night’s sleep, albeit plagued by nightmares on some nights. Those nights and the mornings that come after, leave me in a state of disappointment bathed with cold sweat.

I realised that some things I’ve been told, or some things I’ve told myself are lies. Among them being I thought I could be happy on my own, but it turns out I’m just hanging on to a sliver of hope. I can be strong, successful, independent, intelligent and all that. But can I really be happy alone? Or do I need someone to make me happy? To show me what happiness means, the happiness that I cannot reach?

This is the question that has been haunting me,

“Do I make me happy?”