I take photos for more than just to fill my Instagram feed, but also to capture these instances worth remembering. It’s for those moments that I want to keep frozen in time, never changing but always felt differently. And when I look back at them down the road, I would feel like I had achieved something, that I have grown since.
Feelings rise and ebb,
Just like the sea hugs the shore;
Flames stir in the light breeze,
Breathing life into us and more.
I keep these li’l fractals on loop,
Not forgetting but never holding back;
A box of memories labeled with your name,
With hand-drawn faces on a Polaroid stack
— J.M. (2017)
You find yourself losing sleep.
It’s like you can’t hear the quiet,
Only the voices of your demons.
You lay in bed, wide awake.
With a wetness in your eyes,
But dryness in your soul.
You just want to stay in the dark.
Too afraid of what was,
What is, and what could be.
You realise you’ve fucked up,
And it’s too late to fix things.
It’s just… too late.
— J.M. (2017)
A home is empty
Just a shelter
Rain or shine
Is where you can come back
And where you feel safe.
A home is more than
Just four walls and a roof
Built to keep in
Built to keep out
Is where you can be you;
Where you make it like you.
You feel like home.
I am at home.
— J.M. (2017)
When the light begins to fade
Over the skyline bathed in gold
Fireflies come to life
Dancing in the concrete jungle
People come up here
Some to pray, some to sway
Some to bond, some to break
And some just for the view
But I don’t care for the view,
If you’re not in it.
Why? Because darling,
You are the view.
— J.M. (2017)
As a kid, I used to be mesmerised by the water. How flexible and fluid and adaptable water can be. It takes on any shape and form, and can transform from liquids to solids and gases. It was the personification of change, yet retaining an aura of elegance about it.
I used to think my personality element was water — quick to adapt, aloof, carefree — but then I grow up and realised my fascination with water, was because it was the polar opposite of my inner self: Fire
Fire, the element of passion and anger and love and so much more, defines me better than water does. I am hot-headed. I get into arguments and I don’t like losing. I am passionate in whatever I do and whatever I pursue. I am brilliant in mind, thoughts and ideas sparking at even the oddest of times. Fire, is not a constant element. Like water, it can change and can adapt. When you thought the wind would blow it out, it just grows stronger and hotter. It is the element of resilience. “Keep the fire going, one day it will lift you up,” I thought to myself while watching them inflate hot air balloons two weekends ago.
It’s not all good though. Nothing is ever perfect, right? Fire is also a force of destruction. It both creates and destroys. Perhaps that is why in various mythological theories gods wield fire as celestial weapons or sources of energy, or why in the Bible it’s said that God’s language was delivered by tongues of fire, and the list goes on. It is a source of power.
I am fire, and my companion shall be water. Different yet essential for life. Maybe that’s why I am so fascinated and mystified by the water and why I keep coming back to it.
It’s both funny and confusing; How I am losing my mind, yet feeling my old self again.
I find myself mulling over the petty things, as I always do. But this time I don’t let any of it bother me or the activities I do anymore. When I am involved in an event, performance or any activity in my life, I have conditioned myself to be detached from heart and emotion, relying solely on rationale and mind. To me, emotion clouds judgment, leading to inefficiency. I am not sympathetic, but that doesn’t mean I’m cruel.
It’s one of the things I pride myself on: Being heartless and emotionless.
It does leave me at the end of the day, but I don’t mind. It takes my mind off things, and occupies my time instead of being petty. At the end of the day when my feelings come back, I think to myself, whatever that happened and whoever that you hurt, a good end product/progress justifies it. Mind over matter. When it comes to work, my principal is the process doesn’t matter as much as what the result is.
People who are involved with me, please take note that when I mean business, I don’t play monkey. I trust you enough, don’t waste my time.
These days I feel more vulnerable than most. Listless and bored, I have let my guard down for things I used to be defensive about. Even the minute annoyances have affected me to a greater magnitude than before.
I blame this partially on a rather soul-baring couple of months and keeping an open mind too idle for too long. I think too much about little things, and too little about bigger things. It seems I am going to be comparing extremities in this post, which is apt considering I am feeling the extremes of the emotional spectrum.
At one point, I felt inexplicably depressed. At another, I felt anger that burned hotter than hell itself. On some days I feel jubilant and cheery. On others I feel worrisome and paranoid.
Emotional imbalance, I’d say. Which is uncommon for me because I tend to have extreme control over the things I say and the things I do and the things I feel.
To those I’ve hurt, forgive me
To those I’ve annoyed, tolerate me just for a bit
To those I’ve shut out, please come back
To those who stayed, thank you
To those who love me, I love you too
I think a lot, and these day I think a lot more about being a better person. I don’t want to be so angry, so overbearing, so unnecessarily stressed out anymore. I’ll use more brain and less brawn (not that I had much of it anyway) and deal with issues with more gusto.
Dawn is breaking; A new semester. I cannot be weak, I cannot be vulnerable. I will be strong and confident and strive for righteousness.