Ugh

Hi,

Things have not been going so great as of late. Work is terrible. I really really really hate my current job. University applications are going okay, but way overdue so that’s not exactly what I’d call good. Life has been getting in the way of my happiness for the longest time. So many decisions to be made, so many aspects to consider.

One more month til I quit, then probably everything will be okay again. I’ll have more personal time, more time for family, more time for my boyfriend.

Piece of advice? What your elders said is definitely true, if you do something you don’t like for a living, you’re actually living in hell and denial. All your time will be spent at work and your time is not your own anymore. You’ll always be bound to nightmarish commitments. I’ve had trouble fall asleep, I’ve had trouble in my sleep, I’ve had trouble waking up. All because I hate my job.

I cannot wait for university to begin. Here and there I hear people say: Uni is so hard, basically got no time to enjoy. Well babes, you’ve clearly never worked in the service line before.

How ironic is it that I’m writing all this while waiting for the train to work in my uniform? That’s life for you, I guess. All I can say is, work sucks.

Bye.

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In Love

One day you will find someone who…

  • You will do things you’d never do for anyone else
  • You will drive day and night, sun and rain just to see their smile
  • You will only see them and no one else when you’re with them
  • You will give them (or try to give them) anything and everything they want
  • You will want to make happy every single day
  • You want to see all day every day, not a moment less
  • You will miss them the moment they leave
  • You will hurt you in some way but you forgive them because people make mistakes
  • You will forgive them even though they did something you wouldn’t forgive anyone else for doing
  • You want to experience the world and life with
  • You will wait for no matter what
  • You will feel comfortable around, even more than yourself
  • You will crave for their attention just because you want them to notice you more
  • You will think about 24/7 and that you see them in everything, even when they’re not there

And then, you will know that you are in love. That is how you know what love can feel like, and words cannot sufficiently put the entire magnitude of emotion that is love.

Wisdom

Words of wisdom from a 21-year old who is still learning about life:

  1. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself because of what other people do or think; Your life is yours and yours alone, and you alone decide your life.
  2. Relationships (noun; a social connection between two individuals) don’t always last forever, in fact they hardly ever do, and that is okay.
  3. Move on from toxicity. Do not associate yourself with persons who induce negativity. Just leave, for the sake of your sanity. If you cannot leave (physically) then just do it mentally and not give a fuck about what they think, do or say.
  4. It’s perfectly fine to reminisce, but what’s not fine is to be trapped in reminiscence.
  5. We find ourselves waiting for and grumbling over trains that we’ve already missed, but seldom look forward to the next one. Why?
  6. You brush shoulders with so many people on your journey, but most of them don’t matter to you and you don’t matter to them. Don’t fret over that, you’ll have people that walk beside you.
  7. A lack of a response, is sometimes a response. Do not delude yourself.
  8. We always think there is something wrong with us, or that the way we think or do things in unspeakable of. Appreciate the ones who love you anyway.
  9. Love in a way you want to be loved. Hate and you’re hated.
  10. My favorite metaphor: Life is definitely a roller coaster. It has its ups and  downs, its twists and turns. At one point, you might just feel like getting off the ride, but if you do you won’t feel the rush anymore. If you don’t go uphill, how will you experience the joy of zipping down the tracks with your arms in the air? Even if you let go, you will still be safe. Uphill isn’t always the battle, it’s where the anticipation for something better lies. So, how are you anticipating life? With excitement or with dread?

Now What?

At one point in your short life, you will think that you’ve either seen it all or you’ll never see it all.

Let me tell you something, if you are adamantly keeping to either of those two thoughts, you’re probably going to miss out the plethora of joyous moments in your life. I’m just going to give you a piece of advice. Very simple, just three words: Embrace your youth.

Personally, I would say I’ve been through hell and back. In this context, hell is a very subjective and abstract entity so you don’t get to tell me or compare with me how your hell was. Then again, I’m in a happy place now, the happiest I’ve been. Funny how Elysium and the netherworld are just so thinly separated by our own minds, no? Then you have the juxtaposition of them both, when you’re caught pondering on taking a chance or walking away.

I am ecstatic at how my life had taken its turns. I am proud of how I had dealt with and overpowered my demons. I am happy that I’ve met wonderful people and an amazing person.

So, now what?

Fear

There’s something very unnerving about uncertainty. The possibility of something to go the way you want it to, or the complete opposite, leaves so much room for hope. However, hope does not come without doubt. The more hope you have, the bigger your doubt gets. It’s like when something is going to reveal itself, you can’t help but leap back and forth between the good and the bad. And it’s driving me insane.

But (there’s always a but), you have to take the jump anyway. Saying something to somebody, and thinking “they must think I’m psycho” happens a lot. Then again, people might just surprise you with their support, their love, their care. Not everybody is bad and negative in this world. With that, I believe that support is one of the most important things a person can get, and also one of the most important things that a person can give.

It always comes down to: I’m scared, but I’ll get through this, and I hope you’ll be there with me along the way.

Sometimes

Sometimes you think you’re not good enough, that you’re always one step behind or one step below.

Sometimes you think that someone is too good for you, that everything they do is bigger better.

But you know what?

Sometimes you’ve got to just suck it up and deal with it, overcome your insecurities and work on yourself.

Sometimes you’ve got to believe that not everyone is better, you just do it another way at your own pace.

And sometimes, if not all the time, you have to believe that you are good enough, you are worthwhile.

Maybe that’ll change something.