Something New

In deep space and starry nights
Pillow talks were your name
Half a year ago,
When I played the game.
But you were gone after the theft
And there without a heart,
I was left.

In the same universe,
There I was stoking embers.
Half a year later,
I don’t remember.
‘Cause I found something new,
Shiny and precious,
And with every word I am left breathless.

— J.M. (2017)

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Decibels

The sound of raindrops
Falling on rooftops
Calming and chaotic
Relentless yet rhythmic

The rustling of the summer breeze
In the distance, I hear a sneeze
Mine; somebody misses me
And it’s with them I want to be

The quiet of night
In a foreign place full of light
A face, comes to mind
It’s yours, all the time

Sounds, they give meaning
Words, beg for listening
Silence, feeling emotion
Are all decibels, set it motion

— J.M. (2017)

Space

I: STARS

In the dark of night,
Beside my bed a flash of light,
That turned out to be a star,
One of many more.

The stars shone in the trees,
Dancing in between the leaves.
Forming constellations,
And predicting our future.

Darkness sank into the depths,
As the elusive stars dot the lake.
A head, a shoulder,
A breath, a sigh.

From jazz to dance,
A midsummer night’s​ romance,
We traversed the city on borrowed time,
Always afraid of losing to chance.

II: GALAXIES

On the great canvas gifted to you,
You painted the galaxies,
In all shades but blue.

And then we danced on its arms,
Always careful, never fearful
In knowing there will be no harm.

The loss of silver,
The shimmer of gold,
In there you’ll keep the stories I’ve told.

As the sun shines as a star,
And the stars make up a galaxy,
That is how you had always made me.

III: UNIVERSE

A spaceman floating in the void,
Alone with no spirit,
He looks around and what he sees
Is a sea of darkness with no end

The spaceman thinks this is the end,
But remembers right before the attempt,
That the universe is not so empty,
But filled with all the stars and galaxies.

Then he sees it all at once,
The tiny sparks of light
Flickering all the way up, down,
And too, all around.

He sees the stars,
The ones he saw from home.
He sees the galaxies,
The ones he’d always dreamt.

Then he remembers,
That he’s not alone.
This universe may be big,
But love is bigger.

IV: INFINITY

I can live, without any regret,
And be eternally grateful to whom I’ve met.
For what you have given me;
A past, a present, a future.

An entire lifetime,
From birth to death
We had no time,
Yet we had all of time.

What you thought in months,
I thought as eternity.
Between one and the other,
Is just infinity.

— J.M. (2017)

Prayer

My eyes are closed
And I don’t see as I used to see
It feels like I’m wandering
In darkness like an endless sea

Yet there are flashes of light
As I silently pray
Your flame rekindled my faith
But for what, I’m not sure what to say

The words echo in the walls of my mind
For safety, for security
For travels and returns
For goodwill, for comfort
For assurance and reassurance
For you and I

— J.M. (2017)

Reflections

I’ve been spending much more time checking myself out in the mirror, metaphorically I mean. The past week or so has been full of reflections and I realised more things than I actually needed to.

For one, I realised I have an inability to feel mental stress, and the sense of urgency that usually follows. It’s not that I don’t have stress; I acknowledge it and I know it’s there but I don’t feel it enough for it to affect me directly. Hence, my talent in procrastination and my indifference towards many things. Perhaps one of the only times I feel mental stress is when I have to talk to strangers or in front of strangers (but that really is a case-by-case basis as sometimes I have no qualms at all).

I realise how easy it is for me to switch off the ability to feel emotion at times. But also the total opposite, switching to a different emotion in an instant. It is honestly quite scary, and I’m not the only one scared. I get angry easily, but the anger never lasts. I get sad once in awhile, but the sadness lingers long. I laugh spontaneously, but go quiet right after. I get unbelievably serious about petty things, not because I am dramatic, but because those are the things that I am passionate about, or that I hold close to my heart. Yet, I can cast away things I’m completely over without hesitation, like how a rock sinks into the lake.

I also realised how easy and difficult it is to make-and-break relations with others. My university friends and I immediately clicked since the first week of class and we’ve never looked back. On the flip side, I am starting to feel disconnected with some people I used to think of as my really close companions. I understand that life gets in the way, and people mature differently and have their own personal agendas; But it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to ponder about it like this, as I worry for the same thing happening to my new friends.

Change is normal, healthy even. We all know the saying “The only thing that doesn’t change, is change itself.” Or something like that, maybe you’ve heard a different version.

I realised some of my talents awhile back, and I am still discovering new ones today. This is a good change, a growing change. I am more capable than I thought I was yesterday, and who knows what tomorrow will show me?

I realised that I cannot control everything in my life, and that’s okay. Just like what I always say about happiness being of less value without sadness, order is nothing without chaos. Life has been pretty chaotic these days, but I manage to pull through, drive home and get a good night’s sleep, albeit plagued by nightmares on some nights. Those nights and the mornings that come after, leave me in a state of disappointment bathed with cold sweat.

I realised that some things I’ve been told, or some things I’ve told myself are lies. Among them being I thought I could be happy on my own, but it turns out I’m just hanging on to a sliver of hope. I can be strong, successful, independent, intelligent and all that. But can I really be happy alone? Or do I need someone to make me happy? To show me what happiness means, the happiness that I cannot reach?

This is the question that has been haunting me,

“Do I make me happy?”

Polaroids

I take photos for more than just to fill my Instagram feed, but also to capture these instances worth remembering. It’s for those moments that I want to keep frozen in time, never changing but always felt differently. And when I look back at them down the road, I would feel like I had achieved something, that I have grown since.

Feelings rise and ebb,
Just like the sea hugs the shore;
Flames stir in the light breeze,
Breathing life into us and more.

I keep these li’l fractals on loop,
Not forgetting but never holding back;
A box of memories labeled with your name,
With hand-drawn faces on a Polaroid stack

— J.M. (2017)