Mind over Heart

It’s both funny and confusing; How I am losing my mind, yet feeling my old self again.

I find myself mulling over the petty things, as I always do. But this time I don’t let any of it bother me or the activities I do anymore. When I am involved in an event, performance or any activity in my life, I have conditioned myself to be detached from heart and emotion, relying solely on rationale and mind. To me, emotion clouds judgment, leading to inefficiency. I am not sympathetic, but that doesn’t mean I’m cruel. 

It’s one of the things I pride myself on: Being heartless and emotionless.

It does leave me at the end of the day, but I don’t mind. It takes my mind off things, and occupies my time instead of being petty. At the end of the day when my feelings come back, I think to myself, whatever that happened and whoever that you hurt, a good end product/progress justifies it. Mind over matter. When it comes to work, my principal is the process doesn’t matter as much as what the result is.

People who are involved with me, please take note that when I mean business, I don’t play monkey. I trust you enough, don’t waste my time.

Vulnerability

These days I feel more vulnerable than most. Listless and bored, I have let my guard down for things I used to be defensive about. Even the minute annoyances have affected me to a greater magnitude than before.

I blame this partially on a rather soul-baring couple of months and keeping an open mind too idle for too long. I think too much about little things, and too little about bigger things. It seems I am going to be comparing extremities in this post, which is apt considering I am feeling the extremes of the emotional spectrum.

At one point, I felt inexplicably depressed. At another, I felt anger that burned hotter than hell itself. On some days I feel jubilant and cheery. On others I feel worrisome and paranoid.

Emotional imbalance, I’d say. Which is uncommon for me because I tend to have extreme control over the things I say and the things I do and the things I feel.

To those I’ve hurt, forgive me
To those I’ve annoyed, tolerate me just for a bit
To those I’ve shut out, please come back
To those who stayed, thank you
To those who love me, I love you too

I think a lot, and these day I think a lot more about being a better person. I don’t want to be so angry, so overbearing, so unnecessarily stressed out anymore. I’ll use more brain and less brawn (not that I had much of it anyway) and deal with issues with more gusto.

Dawn is breaking; A new semester. I cannot be weak, I cannot be vulnerable. I will be strong and confident and strive for righteousness.

Companion

I found mine. #hesatreasure

Mutual

Purpose. I suppose this is what many, if not all, of us look for in life. In addition to needing people, needing attention, needing anything at all; We also want to be needed. That’s how the give-and-take scenario works. In an ideal and just world, you give as much as you get, and you get as much as you give. Mutualism.

As beautiful a rose
It would not be
Without the dirt and soil
To nourish and flourish

As wieldy a handle
In the knight’s hand
Without an iron blade
Is not a weapon

As poetic the words
By W. Shakespeare were
Without a pen and its ink
His sheets remain empty

As strong a bond
Such as between atoms
Without trust and support
May it hold or crumble

— J.M. (2017)

Selflessness

After countless times of soul-searching and wondering what my main problems are, I have realised that it’s effort, or the lack thereof.

I realise I have no qualms in putting in effort to help out others, or go on dates, or planning things, etc. I love taking the role of the person in-charge. But with every dominant person there comes a quieter side.

I tend to just go all out for whatever I do. Over the top sometimes, out of my reachability sometimes, “extra” sometimes. But I go the distance and I spend the time and I put in the effort to make things worth it. When my energy and enthusiasm is high, everything goes smoothly. But when things quiet down and I lay in bed at night thinking, I realise that everything should be a team effort. I mean, I don’t mind doing more of the work, but I do appreciate it when people give me input, or contribute, or try to make things easier for me.

Instead, I always get taken for granted.

I give so much, without even thinking that I want to receive at some point. And when the time comes, I don’t get anything in return. It’s not about “doing things expecting returns”, it’s about effort and appreciation.

Maybe that’s why projects I head start off really well and progress slows down over time. Maybe that’s why my relationships never worked out, because I don’t think of myself enough. Maybe that’s why I always condemning myself in the end, because it’s my fault. I need attention too, I need effort too, I need to be watered too. And I don’t realise it’s always the wrong person I’m watering for too long.

It’s not wrong to think of myself and put myself before another person, but I seem to care too much. It’s like me lighting a candle and trying to keep it alive in strong winds but I only have two hands to shield the flame. I can’t cover all sides.

Lesson: Being selfless isn’t all that it’s cut out to be.

The Morning After

Some nights,
Before you catch your breath,
And go to sleep,
You remember all that is broken,
All that is ruined,
Torn, and gone.

When the moon fades,
And the stars go into hiding,
So does the sadness,
So does the emptiness,
So does the loneliness.

The morning after,
When a new sun breaks.
New beginnings,
New days come.

And suddenly,
It isn’t so bad anymore.

— J.M. (2017)

Medicine

As much as people glorify the profession of medicine, it is still one of the most underrated fields out there. Special thanks to the accessibility of the internet, no doubt.

People have grown a sense of distrust towards doctors or medical personnel, based on the event a friend says “It’s probably nothing, the doctor didn’t run many tests or ask many questions” or the internet tells them that they are dying of cancer.

Wake up. The internet cannot diagnose a cancer for you. If you ask someone who is actually in the medical line, they’d do one of two things:

1. Defend themselves; or
2. Do the right thing and tell you that diagnosis is not a simple thing that people combine their ‘symptoms’, not knowing that if it even is a symptom
3. BONUS: They could do (1) and (2) because 99% of the time they know better than you do, unless you’re a medical professional as well but then I wouldn’t need to tell you all this.

Parents are being overprotective of their children. Children are being overprotective of their parents. Friends, family, relatives, etc.

Be it wanting a prescription for a common bacterial flu in fear of it developing into something actually bad, or refusing vaccinations in fear of it developing into something actually bad. In either case, people are stupid to want unnecessary things and not want necessary things.

Patients complain about doctors being incompetent and that they take too long to diagnose or start treatment or actually treat the patient. It’s not that the patient doesn’t know why, it’s that the patient doesn’t want to know why. Putting the blame on people who are trying to save lives. Be it the doctor is a genius or just getting by, they all swore the Oath to protect and save lives. Patients are the ones getting in the way.

I think of all this because there are people dismissing and slandering doctors’ advice without actually knowing the science behind it. And I believe in rationalisation over emotion. Emotion is useless. Rationalising gets stuff done.

I’m not going to put up with snarky remarks on things you don’t bother with clarification. Save yourself if you don’t trust your doctors.

Roles

It’s tiring to support something on your own, one can actually burn out easily without the right support.

One of the things I disapprove of the most, is the implementation of roles in daily life.

I do not see the need for or significance of placing roles on everything and anything. Why are there things a man should do for a woman, just because of his gender? Why should there be a difference in responsibilities between equal partners? Why is there a need to say “You should do this because you are this” or “I should do that because I am that”?

I don’t like it when I hear people talking about said gender or status roles.

I have female friends telling me they don’t want to take the initiative in talking to a guy they are interested in because apparently “the guy is supposed to make the move”. I have gay friends telling me they don’t want to propose anything because apparently “that’s what the top should do”. I have comrades telling me they don’t need to put in the effort to complete another group mates part because apparently “that’s their responsibility”.

Like why do you have to put a responsibility that is easily shared on another person all the time? Did they choose to be the way they are? Do you think it’s the norm? Just because the other person doesn’t detest this thinking, because they are already geared in the way that as the man they have to pay for the meal, that as the dominant person they have to take care of the lesser one all the time. The worst part is that if they don’t pull through with what they are “supposed” to do, they get slandered, criticised, hated on, hated for.

As a decent person, do you think they enjoy being used because of who they are? Just because they don’t point it out like I do, do you think they agree to it? They might just be thinking it’s their sole responsibility to make all parties happy.

Little things matter; Little words carry weight.

I don’t like it when people talk like that, but I hate it when people try to implement such views onto me. If you think I should do something because I am a guy, a man, then you can leave. If you think I should do everything because I am a leader, then you can fuck off. If you think you are superior to me and have the position to tell me what I can or cannot, what I should or shouldn’t do, then demonstrate that worth to me.

Otherwise, change yourself and your mindset. I am not confined to doing what I want or don’t want to do just because of a single person’s desires. Just as I don’t believe in one-sided effort.

Put in effort. Take initiative. Ask how his/her day was. Invite him/her out. Ask if your group members need help. Tell them how you really feel. Be proud of yourself and of others. Be confident. Be brave. Step out of your comfort zone. These are the people I admire, not people who sit back and receive effort.

As equals, we walk side by side; not one in front of the other.

2017

On the one year anniversary of the creation of this blog,

It is that time of year again: New Year’s Eve. The night where people either go out partying and getting drunk, or spending time with their loved ones, or just lamenting on how shit the past one year has been. So I thought, why not do all in one?

Lights

Lately I’ve had quite a lot on my mind. The end of my first semester is nigh, carrying alongside it are my finals. I’ve never been the kind of guy who spends hours and hours, days and nights, facing the books or my lecture notes. I like to enjoy my time freely, and then do last-minute cramming. But the odd thing is, I never really panic either.

Exams are only one of many things I think of. I spend transient moments thinking of space and time — the future. I think of love and friendship and life and everything else. And I’ve come to a point, where I am starting to believe I can feel happiness again.

The year had been quite an exciting journey this far, and I am grateful for many things, which I will save for a future ‘Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017’ kinda thing.

I’ve already thought of what I can do this Christmas to make it just that little bit more special and that little bit more memorable for my loved ones, my family, my friends, and my love. Now I’ve got to get started on it, amidst preparation for exams.

This blog had been a platform for expressing my dissatisfaction with many things. However, I haven’t been updating it as often. And the only reason is: I’m happy.